Having had an overly stressful weekend, I didn't sleep nearly as much as I should have and yesterday I felt like I was walking around on two hours of sleep. Though I took my beta blocker early enough, because of my lack of sleep, I had chest pain for the entire day. I even woke up with some this morning. I still feel worn out and its disappointing because I really wanted to workout today. (Working out for me means everything at a slow pace but everyone needs exercise, no matter what your limits are, you still have to work with them)
Instead, I'm working on some long lost hobbies that I haven't done since high school. When life was a challenge, and it always was, I used to write and read all the time. College kind of made me forget about both. I didn't have time for either and once I finally did, my ambition wasn't really there. After having more time off than I should, and waiting on a date for surgery, I'm taking it upon myself to start going back to things I used to enjoy.
And I keep on gaining new hobbies as well. I've mentioned cooking in other posts before and it seems like it's becoming something I'm doing more regularly. Since my sister was a bit busier than she had expected, I ended up making turkey lasagna for dinner last night. Overall, whole wheat pasta, low sodium tomato sauce, some spinach and low sodium ricotta cheese was pretty good. While I changed some of the ingredients, I think it actually made the dish taste better and a lot less bland. I'm cooking recipes from a heart healthy cook book and its not always particularly appetizing.
As you can see, not much left and for my family, that always means it had to have been at least decent if not a lot better.
I feel like I'm stuck in this standstill of time. But, I'm restless to just start enjoying life a bit more. If all of my trials and tribulations have taught me anything these past many months, its that I can't just wait for life to happen. I need to start doing something now and not regret.
I'm trying to learn more about myself and gain more patience with myself too. I have to accept that things won't happen overnight. I also have to trust in the people around me. I need to understand that at times, I might not be very easy to be a friend to because I come with a lot of baggage. I've never claimed to be perfect and the mistakes I've made, I hope I've at least owned up to most of them. I want to be forgiven but I know I need to prove that change is possible and will happen before forgiveness can be granted.
I can only grow as a person and hopefully everything will go up from here.
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
Still having faith in everything working out and hopefully that people haven't given up on me yet either.
<3
Jess
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