I can't run.
That's been my entire life. So to try and tell me to exhale while trying even catch my breath, Yeah, not a good plan. That test always failed. This time it was so much easier because it was me breathing normally and though I still had a little trouble, it wasn't nearly as long as the last time. Not to mention the guy who was giving me the test was extremely entertaining and I wish I could be as blissfully carefree and happy as him.
As always the CT scan was arms raised and breathe in and out. I can always know what to expect between that and MRI's.
I'll be thrilled if tomorrow I can call up my pulmonologist or even they call me, and tell me my results. After, I get to call my cardiologist and hopefully will get a surgery date within the next two weeks. I feel like the system they have for communicating is a little bit flawed though. As a patient, shouldn't it be both of the doctors coming to me rather than me going to them? I already have the work of going to the city for testing rather than having it done in a local hospital that would seem less than adequate in their eyes.
Sometimes, its not just my health that's frustrating, its the healthcare providers as well.
However, if life was as simple as having everything go perfectly, it wouldn't be worth living, would it?
I've done a lot of soul searching in the last week, more yesterday than anything and I've finally decided to start enjoy life a bit more.
I feel like life has become so serious in so many aspects.
And I'm just sick of it.
I want my life to be fun. I want to wake up in the morning and not know what to expect, but to expect that it will be a good day.
I'm living on a day to day basis and I'm not doing it to the fullest. If I had been, it would be so much better. I can't know the future or who will be in it. I think for the time being, until my surgery, I'm going to try and enjoy it a bit more.
I've already made plans to have a bit of fun every day this week and it ends with a weekend in the Poconos.
Before being cooped up in my house, I need to take advantage of all the freedom I can. One of the few good things that did happen in 2012 was that I got a car. I hadn't driven since I had my accident four years ago. I had some test drives within 2012, but to drive the amount I have been wouldn't have happened without my car. It's one of the most empowering and liberating feelings I've had in a while. FREEDOM. At times I feel like I'm back in my senior year of high school and just starting to enjoy being on my own again. It's been pretty awesome and its probably going to be one of the hardest things to let go of during my month, or two, or however long it will be, recovery.
I wish I took advantage of getting a car sooner. It was encouraged by many around me but, I let the fear of what happened overtake any thought of actually getting a car and getting back out there. It's something I regret not doing sooner but, I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Either you can take the situation and grow from it, or you can just let it keep you down. I finally decided to grow from it and I couldn't be happier.
I just want to get the surgery done and move on with my life. I don't want to keep having this hold me back.
My health is only a chapter of my life, not my entire story.
They say surgery like this changes a person. Its weird, but I think I'm already seeing changes pre-surgery. I've been reassessing my goals in life and what I want out of it. I want to do everything I can to be healthy and stay that way. I've dropped a decent amount of weight within the last two months and I couldn't be happier.
I'm not only more confident on the outside, but I'm becoming more on the inside as well. I've been expanding my wardrobe a bit, maybe a little too much. However, it's wonderful to go shopping and not believe if I was a few sizes skinnier, then I'd be able to wear something. As a young woman, I don't want to say confidence comes from looks but, for someone like me who has struggled with the fear of working out would hurt or kill me, I've certainly overcome a lot within a short span of time. My confidence within that dark period went down and I'm gaining it back now. Perhaps I'm pushing myself a bit too much but, it feels nice to actually believe I can. I still have my limits, however, it was encouraging being able to walk for almost three miles today. I definitely felt invincible, something that I've only felt rarely.
I hope that feeling of being able to accomplish whatever I want, not only with working out, but as life continues. I have put my life on hold, but once I'm out of recovery, I will be jumping into life full force. I'm planning on getting two more jobs and hopefully taking the praxis right away so I can start school in the summer. My goals for life after my health are expanding at a rapid pace and I cannot wait until I can start to pursue them.
All I can say is, I'm taking advantage of what I can do now, rather than wait for the time when I can't do anything. This week should be a great week filled with some good memories and times that will get me going again when I'm recovering.
Below is a Hot and Sour Soup - Heart Healthy Kind
Keep on getting healthier but don't forget to celebrate a bit too!
Be proud of the choices you make and know that others are proud of you too.
Life is too short to chase anything but your dreams!
<3
Jess
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