Gird your Loins

Enough food to feed a small army

One holiday down and another to go!  I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of November! And one of my closest friends birthdays. This end of the month starts what I feel like the most festive part of the year but, also the most stressful.

I'm already making mental lists of all the stuff I have to get done and that list just keeps on expanding. Finding a time to be healthy might be difficult. However, I'm going to keep on trying to eat healthy and exercise. At the very least, my dad and me will still be finding a time every day to walk. As much as I'm a twenty something year old girl, I think I will be acting as a senior citizen when taking my dad to the mall during the really cold days.

Ya never know what you'll find on your walks.

 In between avoiding or at the very least, not eating as many holiday treats, I'll be trying to eat healthy. One recipe that I made is easy, fast, tasty, filling, and even healthy! It's a chicken wrap and while that might not sound so appealing, it really isn't bad.

Get some whole wheat pita bread, lettuce, tomato, spinach leaves, white meat chicken, and some baba ganoush. You would think that the baba ganoush has too much sodium but, the trick is just to put a little on. It gives it a great bite and it's simple to make when you're on the go.

As the holiday madness begins, I say to especially those who are going black Friday shopping - Gird your Loins!

Not really sure if this stuff works, but it's interesting to see anywhere you look, something is always advertising a healthy heart!

♡

Jess

Battling Biopsy Wait

Official 2nd biopsy for my dad happened on Monday and boy was it a long day! We got to the hospital around 1030 AM and stayed until 5 PM. It wasn't even the biopsy that took that amount of time, rather, it was the amount of patients that were ahead of my dad. We also can't forget that the staff need to eat lunch.

I have no problem with them eating, however, it would have been nice for these doctors or any of the medical staff for that matter, to give us a better estimate on time. They say it could be a six hour day but the sad part of that is, we certainly weren't actually doing anything for majority of it. As much as that sounds simple,  both of us were exhausted by the end of it.

I'm happy to say though, he's at a 1 A status, which is the highest he can have for the biopsy. 1 A means he's not rejecting the heart and while we can breathe a little easier this holiday week, rejection can happen at anytime. That's why he's checked for the first 6 weeks, every week. After that, it becomes every other week. Then, every month. Eventually it will become every three months.

Forget about bringing a book to read, my dad bought thank you chocolate for what seemed like the entire hospital! I think for me, that was the most exhausting part of the day. I had so many pounds of chocolate to carry, I should have had a shopping cart! I was the mini-chocolate santa clause for the hospital staff.

But it's people like those nurses and doctors and any medical staff that helped my dad, that really make grateful this holiday season. Every penny they make, they certainly earn it. My fathers surgeon Dr. Camacho and my surgeon Dr. Bacha, make me eternally thankful for people who sacrifice so much for their patients. For every nurse and doctor who put in more time then they should, I really don't know how these miracle workers can ever be repaid.

While my dad and I were waiting for his biopsy, we met so many other patients of the same status, that is, having biopsies on their transplants as well. As I sat in this tiny waiting room that looked rather like a mishmash of furniture from all over the hospital, we were surrounded with other living proof people who have survived hardship and overcome it.

A woman who was had an LVAT put in for over a year, finally was given a heart a few few short days after my dad. Another gentleman and his newlywed wife sat with a similar story to my dad's of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. They didn't even get to enjoy their first year together and this upcoming year, they can finally celebrate and be a true testimony of the vows through sickness and in health.

Another man who I think I will ultimately remember the most, seemed almost like a scrooge. He didn't speak much, but his personal nurse did. Didn't really get much of his personal story other than he's quite rich. Aside from his personal nurse, he has a personal physical therapist, and three physicians at his beck and call. Extremely private and seemingly snobbish, I felt as though he wasn't as grateful for the miracle he had been given sitting with his nose held high. However, after he came back from his biopsy, he agreed with the conversation everyone was saying, which was every person in that room had a lot to be thankful for. He wished everyone a happy thanksgiving and I could finally start to believe that he did have a transplanted heart. And a heart in general.

While we remember being thankful this holiday season though, I'm also hoping for those who still haven't received their hearts yet. The last couple I met while my dad was in his biopsy, is why I'm even more grateful this season for the gift my family has been given. This couple is still waiting for a heart and the man has been put into ventricular fibrillation a few times now. He seems to be constantly shocked by his defibrillator. He's finally being admitted to the hospital which will bump him up on the list, but goodness,  for his sake, I really hope he has the transplant soon. I could see the grayish coloring in his skin that my dad once had. Watching my dad for months keep slipping faster and faster into an inevitable near death state, this other man is on the same path. I can only hope that this man and his wife will keep on fighting and believing that life will get better.

I can't help but keep on being thankful for all that my dad and my family as a whole, has been through and overcome.

Life certainly has never felt so sweet.

Happy Thanksgiving and keep on being thankful for even the little things in life.

The Indiana Jones of our family, finding the holy grail of life, a New HEART!

♡

Jess

Gobble Up Some Healthy Treats

With the holiday's and winter temperatures approaching, it seems like just the right time to start making some good food and enjoying time with family and friends. As always, life is never dull with recovering heart transplant patient.

The preparation work for food with a heart transplant patient is even more tedious compared to a regular diet. While I was at Columbia Presbyterian after my own surgery, I talked to an older man who had been through so much in his life with his heart. He had bypass surgery, a transplant, and was in the hospital recovering from his second transplant!

At the time, it wasn't even a thought that my dad would need a full on transplant. The December before he had been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure but, to me, my dad was superman. His health might have changed, but he never complained.

This man in the hospital that I had only met for what seems like a brief moment in time, has stuck with me since. I remember him telling me how he some how got a second chance at life with this heart. He severely screwed up the first transplant with poor diet and lack of exercise.

I look at my dad who just by chance, was given a heart and a completely new lease on life. How could one person not take care of this second chance?  And still receive a third chance after that? He must either be really blessed or have amazing connections.

Though my dad may be pushing himself too much, I certainly feel like he's embracing this gift to the best of his ability. Life only gives us so many chances and we ultimately choose the way it's lived. For the sake of the man in the hospital, I really hope he stays true to his word and starts taking advantage of living a healthy lifestyle.

In his defense though,  I can certainly understand the frustration there is with a low sodium diet and needing the extra preparation time for anything with vegetables or fruits. If you know of anybody with a heart transplant or maybe even transplants in general, (not sure if it's a rule of thumb) you have to wash each individual piece of vegetables or fruit in vinegar water. Now this might be an extra step and not that big of a deal, however, take a head of lettuce and it makes this a little more tedious.

While I was recovering,  I was lucky enough to have my sister or mom who would prepare my food for me.  Until my dad was out of the hospital,  I really haven't put my full effort into learning healthy cooking habits. That takes time and practice. I now have both and a greater need to learn.

This week I did a number of different healthy meals that were pretty tasty. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day; well, the breakfast I made was pretty good.

Egg whites, which if you get them in shop rite or buy in bulk at Costco, Sams Club, or BJ's it's not as much money.

Cheese is wonderful. Pizza, pasta, anything Italian and it will be made in my house regularly.  However, the sodium levels are pretty high, so pick your cheese wisely!
The good cheese for you:
- swiss
- low fat cottage cheese
- mozzarella
- low fat ricotta

High sodium Cheese:
- feta
- blue
- parmesan The MSG of Cheese for Italian food
- gouda

Mix egg whites, some swiss, and spinach,  you've got one really good  breakfast.

Being in a holiday mood, I also decided to go a little turkey cupcake crazy. I did it with two kinds of mixes. Both were a Halloween ready made cakes and all you needed to add were a few ingredients. One was with oil, water, and eggs, the other with seltzer water. Seltzer water is supposed be healthier and less calories. Although, what I added to decorate, didn't exactly fulfill that healthy standard, they were very festive.

The ones with seltzer water ultimately tasted like cake batter. Yes, they were cooked. Just didn't have that golden color to tell that they were finished.

For the healthiest choices in decorations, I would say buy dark chocolate kisses and sugar free frosting. Add food coloring and you're in business! Those circular candies you see are actually reese's pieces. Get them at five below or target and they're pretty cheap. If you are diabetic or simply trying to watch weight, aren't we all, I would say make them and give these treats away asap! I certainly did. I do have some for myself, but it's only a treat for every once in a while.

In between baking and filling my dining room table to full capacity of decorations and cupcakes, I also made potato leek soup. Since my dad and I are both trying to maintain that low sodium diet, we used low sodium chicken broth. It's a pretty easy recipe you can find which was in the Joy of Cooking book but, added in with a healthier twist. 

As I said earlier, the cleaning process of any fruit or vegetable takes a little longer however, it needs to be done. I cut up the leeks and scrubbed them in vinegar water. I then added them into unsalted butter and let it turn into a translucent color. After I added the rest of the peeled potato's (washed of course) and the broth. Brought it to a boil and then to a simmer. After I pureed it and we have soup galore! For those who need a little more salt, add some saltine crackers.

Cooking is fun.. and sometimes a little messy!

 If you make any of these recipes, Enjoy! Everything was tasty! 

I'll end with this quote

It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years!

Make it count!

<3

Jess

Living a Healthy Life

I decided to restart this blog, and I mean, really restart it. I haven't written since May and now its about to be December. I have accomplished so much and feel I will keep on doing so in the future. I have walked nine miles on the Appalachian trail and hiked many other trails since. I have eaten healthy ... and not so healthy. I'm still within the range of which I weighed before surgery but the muscle I once had, is no longer muscle. Sadly, it's now flabby and I'll be working on that! Either to maintain or hopefully lose it. Fingers crossed. (the holidays maybe jolly however, it certainly puts a damper on my waistline! HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO SAY NO!)

As I suspect for many of my fellow heart patients, or even those who are non-heart disease patients, keeping and maintaining, or even starting a balanced diet and exercise routine is extremely hard to do! And if you don't have the energy or time to put effort in your health, your health loses. In the battle between life and health, regretfully, many of our priorities have become everything but our health. As the holiday season approaches, money and time, especially makes it hard for some of us to put our health first. Plenty of us wait until the New Year to make our annual resolutions, many of which are the same from the year previously.

For many of us who do have heart disease, it's rough to actually bring ourselves to even begin the process of gaining a healthy lifestyle. Even after heart surgery, (the big time surgery!) staying motivated while life steps in, isn't always easy. It takes an eye opening awareness of what life can be if you're healthy. 

For one family member, that awareness just turned into reality.

In previous posts, I always mentioned another family member had suffered from the heart disease Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. That family member is my father. He has been diagnosed for twenty something years with this same disease. My grandmother, his mother, and my uncle, his brother, died of this disease. It's a disease that is unstoppable and only using beta blockers to slow the heart, is there any slight relief from this disease. Let me refresh you on this disease. The heart becomes enlarged and in doing so, it does not allow the heart to pump as easily. By treating it with beta-blockers, slowing the heart beat allows the heart to not work as hard.  This can also be treated with a defibrillator, which eventually will be my next step in treatment for my own heart health. (Hopefully not anytime soon, I'm good without having any more surgery for a long, long, long time) Three of my cousins, all male, have HCM and another male cousin has a heart murmur.  (Can we say hereditary problems?)

My father's health over the past year or so has declined at a rapid pace to say the least. He constantly had water weight and regardless of taking lasix, it was a constant struggle to get rid of the water. He was on a low sodium diet and anytime he ate even the slightest food high in sodium, the water would gain to an outrageous level. When I had my own surgery in March, he just started the process of joining a Congestive Heart Failure group associated with Newark Beth Israel Hospital. He was put on plavix in the early fall. It was a constant IV drip to prevent heart attack, stroke, and any other related heart problems. About a month or so ago, he stopped taking it for a teeth cleaning, (this medicine is a blood thinner) and in the day and a half time period he stopped the medication, he had went in ventricular fibrillation and was already in constant atrial fibrillation. The doctors were going to manually shock his heart back into rhythm only to find many, and I mean many, blood clots all in aorta. The doctor who was about to shock him was fearful of what he just saw, much less my dad! He was given a blood thinner medicine to make the blood clots disappear but, both his body and the medicine he was given, could only take so much more.

Finally in September, he was added to the transplant list and got the scariest phone call he'd ever received on Halloween. He got a heart! I wasn't even at home when he got the call! It was incredible. Only two months after being put on the list, he was already getting a heart. When this disease takes over, it really takes a quick turn and I don't think anything or anyone can stop it. Earlier that day, the doctors increased his plavix and it certainly made a difference on the list I'm pretty sure. He became as close to a 1A (inpatient) as he could being a 1B priority level on the transplant list.

That was the longest night of my families life. It was interesting to be on the other side of it, rather, not the one under the knife. When I walked in, I felt more prepared compared to my dad, that's for sure! I walked in kind of being the cheery, light hearted one of my group. My mom and sister were crying and I was kinda in la la land going into my surgery. Looking back, I'm glad I went in with a smile on my face.

In my dad's case too, I tried to be the upbeat one. So many things could have gone wrong, and while the rest of my family was crying and sobbing, I tried to make it into a joke, telling my dad before he went into the OR, "Soon enough, you'll have the same scar as me!"

It wasn't until after the surgery, when we got the phone call in the waiting room that he was out, did I finally let the tears flow.  I just needed one big cry, and I finally let it all sink in.

Three weeks today, and he's out of the hospital and walking close to a mile a day! He's pushing himself, no doubt about it. I'm trying to tell him to take it easy, but it's like talking to a brick wall. I will admit, the steroids have certainly changed him too. His mood can snap any second. One minute he's completely happy, and the next, pissed. It's a little scary taking care of him but, I know the real him is in there somewhere.

For those who celebrate Thanksgiving, or even for those who don't, remember to be thankful for the things you do have and not harp on the things you don't have. I have a lot to be grateful for this year, with my health, and hopefully a progressively good health of my father. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and family and friends who have stuck with me through the hardest times.

Remember to take a minute everyday, and just be grateful for something, anything in your life. Sometimes life is hard, no one can argue that. However, we all have something to be thankful for, we just need a reminder to see our problems, whether big or small, life can always be worse.

I'll leave you with this comic. If you never read comics, or you're just boring and read the political cartoons, you don't know what you're missing out on!

I'd say this Pickles cartoon hit it pretty damn close.

Until next time,

<3

Jess

Cheerleader of My Own Life

So.. It's been forever since I've written in here.
Reason #1: I was in the hospital for a month.
Reason #2: It's been hard to get through some days of recovery for a number of reasons. Reality kicked in hardcore.

I officially have had my heart cut open.. both literally and emotionally. I have the scar to prove it. And a few more to prove open heart surgery was not rainbows and sunshine. To put it simply, my month in the hospital was a month from HELL.

I was constantly sleeping, nauseous, or in pain.

I should first explain what I had corrected.. which to tell you the truth, I kind of wish I had asked if I could have had the surgery recorded... would have been an out of body experience to watch that but, I think it would have been nicer to have every detail of what was going on, explained.

My reality check of living through what I did

What I had corrected:
Double Chambered Right Ventricle Repair
VSD closure (murmur)
Division of Vascular Ring
Left SVC to Right Atrium Conduit

In previous posts, I called Double Chambered Right Ventricle, Double Outlet. My New Jersey cardiologist, and I find, older doctors, seem to overlap the terms without much differentiation. From my understanding, it's a bundle of muscle fibers and to correct it, at least with the additional muscle from my Hypertorpic Cardiomyopathy, they took off a good amount of muscle.  Apparently this procedure could not even be done twenty years ago. Thank God for the technology advancements and Dr. Bacha. I think he is a miracle worker with how he can imagine the heart prior to surgery and whom has amazingly skilled hands to perform such intense surgeries.

The VSD murmur is a lot easier to correct by closing the murmur and no longer allowing back-flow of blood.  From what I understand, the Vascular Ring correction was a simple snip. If you've ever seen it, the top of the heart, the aorta, has extra tissue and developed a ring around the esophagus. This also caused my aorta to be towards the right and so, that was corrected as well.

The last thing, the Left SVC to Right Atrium Conduit, I didn't even know I had until the day of pre-op. They had me do a bubble echocardiogram and stuck me three times before finally finding a vein (that would be the first of many needles I'd be stuck with in me over the next month). From what the doctor told me, any time something was injected into my left arm, instead of it going to the right artery through the lungs, it went straight to my heart, and potentially, straight to my brain. Who knew?!

Going in was.. well nerve wrecking. I was lucky enough to not only have my parents and sister come, but one of my best friends, Sam, come as well. Let me put it this way, in times of crisis and life or death situations, you really do find out who your true friends are (Cliche I know). All I can say is, for the most part, I chose my friends pretty damn well. Some people didn't bother and to which I say, you couldn't handle it and I really became my own hero. The people I thought would have been there for me, weren't. I might have been abandoned by those people, but I truly was lucky for all those wonderful friends and family who made me feel loved and not alone during my time of need. I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life, that's for sure.

Sam and me

After a week in the hospital, I was discharged. Unknown to me, when I was released, my pancreas was acting up. My doctor even came in to ask if I wanted to stay, didn't give a reason, but I was like "Get me The HELL OUTTA HERE." If only that was the worst of it. The day after I was released, I noticed my stomach was pretty distended on my left side. My left side has my only kidney. Back to the hospital I went.

I was admitted the following day for pancreatitis. The day after, I was discharged along with being starved. A few days later, I had to go back to the hospital because I was having an echo done to see if the water went down in my heart. At the time, I was already feeling like I was short of breath and not nearly as much energy as I had when I did leave the hospital the first time.

My doctor was convinced I could have a syringe method of literally sucking the liquid out of my heart. This is called pericardiocentesis. I was literally in the cath lab all prepped to go, but as always, my health is never that simple. They did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that I had water around the heart, but not in an area in which the surgeon could reach it. If he attempted, I could have gone into shock. Kind of ridiculous that I was moments away from possibly having that happen. I was admitted and my doctor decided, that water still needed to come out. I had the window procedure done instead.

It took four days to actually get into surgery but, I had a surgeon who had performed surgery on President Clinton. Pretty damn cool. I was starved each day waiting, hoping, I would get in. But I was not able to and the day before my possible surgery.. I finally cracked.

I'm not really ashamed of it, but my goodness, when the surgeons came in to tell me what was going to happen and the fact that I was by myself, I kind of just lost it. I wanted to know why, always, why my body could not just do things simply and I would be done with all my health problems. Nothing has ever been simple though. My doctor, who I should say, was there with me practically every day I was in the hospital, was amazing. He came in to talk to me about what the surgeons had said and just as he was leaving, I guess I must have had a look on my face, he turned around and came back.

I hadn't cried at all, for any of what was going on in my life in the past month. That night, I just let go and cried to him. He sat next to me, put his arm around me and just listened. I could not believe that I had fallen apart in front of this man, who had been there through every step of the way, but barely knew me outside of being a patient, and simply acted as a friend. He did that throughout my stay, but this time, I can honestly say, he was more than just a doctor to me. These are the kinds of doctors everyone needs, and I was lucky enough to have Dr. Ginns as mine.

For someone who had only really known me for that month, he said something to me that I'll never forget,"You've been this cheerleader of your own life and strong for everyone else." I think he was surprised that I didn't fall apart with everything that was going on. Looking back on it now, I kind of am too. I might have been miserable, but I tried to put on a smile for those who watched me suffer. Though life was hell, I didn't want anyone to think I couldn't make it through this.

The last surgery was probably the most painful experience I've ever had to endure physically. The window procedure was a simple surgery; you deflate the left lung, cut two holes into the sac of the heart to allow the heart to be decompressed from the fluid, and insert a tube that wraps around the lung to an the area of drainage. The tube however, is very painful because any foreign object in the body, the body rejects. When I was woken up from the surgery, one of the assistant surgeons came in to check up on me.

He asked, "How are you feeling?"
I said, "Surprisingly pretty good"

Well.. he walked over to my drainage box that is connected to my tube. The tube, unbeknownst to me, had a blood clot in it. The fluid was being backed up. Well. IT WAS A TWIST AND RUN!

He literally walked over to my tube, saw the clot, didn't say a word to me, and twisted it to allow the clot to go down. I was in extreme pain. I don't think I've ever felt that kind of pain in my life. I was crying and screaming, and the doctor said it will go away, while he walks away. My sister, who is crying because I'm crying, runs out to get the nurse. They inject with some nice pain killers/knock me out cold.

Tube that was inside of me from window procedure

The following days, I was in pain and nauseous, more so than I had been during the previous weeks. Man. That was the hardest thing I had to endure. Open heart surgery seemed like cake compared to that.

Thankfully, after a few days I was released and had the tube removed. A whole month in the hospital between the two surgeries and I was home! No more finger sticks, blood tests, iv's, xrays, ultrasounds, echos, a burning hot ct, and finally over my nausea to eat.  

Its now been about two and half months from my first surgery, and a month and half since I've finally been home. I'm still recovering and working on bringing my strength back, but the pain isn't nearly as bad as it once was. The twenty pound weight that I thought I was wearing when I got out of the first surgery, is no longer there. I can turn on my side and sleep comfortably for the most part now (the scars of the second surgery make it uncomfortable at times). I can walk with ease and have even started walking on the treadmill again. I can't lift over ten pounds, but I'm okay with that (not exactly trying to become a body builder any time soon).

I've come back to all the people who love and care about me, and that is perhaps, the biggest thing that has given me hope over the last few months. People who didn't have to stick around, did. I can't say it enough, I really have been blessed with the friends and family I have in my life.

My older sister Jenn, who I wouldn't have been able to live through what I did without her.

Bio Buddy Bestie Annie :) Love this girl

Family who stick together

Jeanine and me - A true friend through it all

Here's a drink, or two.. or three ;) A drink to Life and Living it to the Fullest. Never taking for granted the people you love and care about. A drink to the people who stuck with me, no matter how hard life got and to the everlasting memories I have of those who made my days a little easier. 

Here's to moving forward and ending this one unforgettable chapter in my life.

To the new adventures I'm about to embark on!

No matter the disease, don't ever let it bring you down.

I'm living my life with a healing & continually growing enlarged heart.

Dear Life,

Bring. It. On!

<3 

Jess

Teaching Forgiveness

I have finally figured it out! My life legacy! If anything were to go wrong in surgery, tomorrow makes it exactly a week until the date, I now know what I want to be remembered for. There are many things that I thought I would leave behind if it came down to it. I do not mean material items (I have a ton of which my sister would inherit if anything happened) rather, what people thought of me when it came down to it. I think the characteristics that count the most, are my willingness to forgive and my inspiration to others to move forward regardless of any challenges. I've had at least four or five people tell me they're not sure how I'm able to keep my head held high with all that has been going on in my life. I really can't tell you either, other than my ambition to move forward. Nothing can stop me. 

Over the years, forgiveness has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to accomplish. Both giving and feeling. I’ve had times when I’ve held grudges that should not have been kept and it’s only made life harder. The amount of stress and emotion invested in holding a grudge, I’ve learned, is not worth it. Life is too short not to forgive and move on. I’ve wanted to forgive people for many things. Now realizing this before surgery, I feel foolish for not letting go of some of the grudges I’ve held over the years. In the end, it just is not worth it.

The biggest person you have to forgive though, is yourself. It’s like I’ve mentioned before, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person though, to not only realize these mistakes, but to move past them and especially grow from them as well. Accept your flaws. Accept that life isn’t perfect. Accept those who choose to stay in it, see your flaws, and appreciate them. Perhaps, they even help you move past them.

I thought so much about how my life has felt like glass, too fragile to be dropped and at times, had to be held with care. But, when it finally did shatter, I picked up the pieces to make something even more beautiful. Life has its ups and downs and what builds character are those tough moments. The moments that define us as individuals. The moments that we finally realize that change is inevitable and rather than back away and hide from it, we take it head on. 

I have to say, I am really proud of myself. The past year and a half have been hell. Maybe even before that, but not to this extent. When I was in my sophomore year, fall semester, I decided that I didn’t want to become a doctor anymore. That was a dream of mine I’ve had since grade school. I never saw myself as anything else. After switching majors, I have not only picked me up, but kept pushing forward, regardless of not having every aspect of my future planned out. That’s the thing about being in your twenties, nothing is certain. Every dream you have, especially in college, isn’t easily accomplished or you decide that after all this time, it just wasn’t right for you.

By switching majors, I was not just deciding to change subjects but, a completely different career path. It was hard because for a while I could not find myself like I once had before. Everything used to be so sure. Now, it wasn't. You should have seen me in high school. I had my life planned to a T of where I wanted to go to college, medical school, residency, where I wanted to live, and so on. College changed that. It brought me closer to reality, regardless of being in a college bubble.

It took me until this past October finally to realize where my new passion was. For being so undecided all the time, I take that as a major accomplishment for me. Unfortunately, this was just in the midst of me going through all this health crap. I haven’t even had the chance to move on with my life yet, let alone start to build a new one in teaching.

If I had known I wouldn’t have had this surgery until March, I wouldn’t have waited around to make even bigger changes in my life. My health has made me miserable and the start over button that I’ve wanted to press since August still can’t be pressed until after this short journey ahead. 

I want to believe that during my recovery, I am going to walk as much as I can, climb as many stairs as I can, and just be overall proactive about getting better. I am not going to take this sitting down. I have too much ahead of me, for me to wallow in a little pain. Pain that will make me only grow stronger.

I realized why I’ve suddenly found this passion for teaching and haven’t really been able to put into words until now. When I was growing up, school became an outlet for me to succeed when I struggled. It wasn’t necessarily something I wasn’t amazing at, but I did have trouble in grasping certain concepts I guess. What gave me strength to overcome my struggles were the teachers who inspired me to keep pushing for my greatest potential.

That is one of the most admirable qualities I found in teachers when I was a child. Grade school taught me to reach for that potential, regardless of my struggles. Teachers are meant to inspire. They’re meant to spread knowledge. I want that. I want to have that impact on a student’s life. To show them that the knowledge we attain during our early school years, sets us up for life. At least it did for me. I am forever grateful to those who taught me just to keep pushing.

In my teacher's eye, I was never a hopeless case. I hope one day I will be able to show that to my student’s too, that every single one of them has the potential and that dreaming big is the best thing you could do. I want every student to experience life to the fullest. To visit museums, to experiment, to gain something in the classroom that they would not normally at home and take that with them for the rest of their lives. I want to be the teacher that my students remember, not only because I taught them well, but because I taught them to push forward regardless of their struggles or dislike towards a subject.

I am only a few short months away from taking my Praxis exam, which had to be postponed because I will not be recovered in time. I once might have been a dreamer, but now I am fully checked into reality and I refuse to go back. My future is only a little while away and I cannot wait until it’s finally here. 

I have a passion for life that won’t give up. Open heart surgery is only a chapter that is leading to bigger and better things for me. Life changes. So do people. Sometimes it takes the big moments for that to happen, but in the end, those are the moments that define us. We become who we are meant to be from them. And those who get to see and be a part of those great changes are the ones I feel lucky to have in my life.

Keep on smiling because even when life gets you down, you are stronger than you will ever believe.

Got my package from the heart team today. It includes a day to day of what will be happening. Here's a snippet from the first day.

FYI - I cannot believe how skinny I've become. Eating healthy and exercising are totally worth it. Not just for your health, but your overall confidence. It also puts me in a happier mood, knowin I'm lookin fine ;)  <- You've just met Ghetto Jess 
I can't wait to go a lot further with exercising after surgery!

These past months have taught me that though we will always have our friends and family to lean on, at the end of the day, it's going to be me under the knife and me who has to endure the pain. I wouldn't have become this person of independence and believe I can do anything without learning to put myself first. Nothing in this world is going to stop me from pursuing my goals and ambitions. I once might have been afraid to realize I'm on my own, but the world around me doesn't seem nearly as scary as it once was. 

I finally grew up.

<3
Jess 

Gravity is Always Bringing Me Back to Reality

Finally have a date. Finally have a count down. Less than two weeks, and I'll be under the knife to hopefully, a better life.

I have four things total that are going to be corrected. The main correction and reason for the surgery, is to get rid of the extra muscle impacting my double chamber (double outlet) and causing a higher pressure from the hypertrophic cardiomyopathy on that area. The other three things that are going to be corrected are from me already being opened up and possibly causing some of my symptoms. They are going to correct my murmur, my vascular ring, and along with that, my right aortic arch. I'm not quite sure about what the last one entails but, I trust they know what they're doing.

I'm meeting for my pre-op at some point next week... I'm not scared of it just.. weary. I wanted this done for months now. Its finally coming and I suppose I'm excited but, also worried about what that month or so in recovery, will entail. I feel like the upcoming months are going to be the hardest I've ever had to deal with and yet.. I'm pretty sure I feel that way about the past year and half. I guess for once, I'm prepped for this rather than just having this sprung up on me. For once, it's not the people in my life that are making decisions, it's me making the decision to get all this done as soon as possible and finally move on.

I walked on the treadmill only a little bit this week. Sadly, last week I kept having palpitations way too much for me work out. This week, I haven't been feeling up to part either. I walked only two miles today because I started getting chest pain. You know when you have that song that just sings out your life or emotions, I had that. Hit replay one too many times. And the song gets me pumped. So much so, I walked my fastest mile.. and then chest pain.

If we can say, this sucks. Repeat at least ten times.

I am, however, thrilled that I will be having the surgery all the more because it will get rid of this chest pain and more. If the surgery does more than it should, it would be a miracle, but I'll settle for just being able to walk and exercise without having issues.

When I'm done with recovery, I'm going to be a fitness queen. I refuse to become unhealthy after all this is done and I finally have a chance to be the closest thing to normal I've ever had. Of course, it's going to be a bitch of pain to get there, but after it's all done, I'll be gladly walking into my future and not looking back.

I was livid last week when I found out the date. I've wanted this done since January and now its going to be in March, with a recovery up to, if not longer, into April. I really just cannot wait for it to be done and I can finally move on! I was so frustrated last week. I still kind of am. I guess everything happens for a reason though.. the family member that's sick is going to meet with a doctor who can hopefully get them onto the heart transplant list. If they qualify, the bigger challenge will be when and if, they finally get a transplant.

I have a friend whose mom has needed a kidney since high school. She's been on the list, since high school. Still no kidney. It's been about eight years and it's really upsetting to hear. People should have a better chance of getting a kidney than a heart. I guess all we can do, is pray.

I've been trying so hard to just to believe, to get ready to move on, to truly know one day, this chapter from hell in my life, will be just that. A chapter.

I'm a fighter, I don't give up easily and I know that one day, I'm gonna look back on this part of my life and think, this was cake compared to the rest of it. It's the journey to that point, that's making me feel tested.

As for that bucket list... I finally finished making it. It's now a matter of doing it. Tomorrow, I'm going to do a few items hopefully. Next week, I think I'm just going to take off one day. Be spontaneous. Something that isn't me at all. But, today I realized something else. I want to make a bucket list for the rest of my life too. I don't want to look back and honestly believe I didn't accomplish anything. I'd like to revisit and backpack through Europe. Maybe even bungee jump. With water below.. in case there's a splat.

Just enjoy life to the fullest. I no longer will have my health holding me back. Doing daily activity is what really has made this so much harder. I'm grateful though, I've done more than my doctors believed I could when I was born. On the way back from the city, my dad told me that when I was a few months old, he and my mom took me to an on call doctor. The doctor told my dad only, "I've seen many cases like this, and it's pretty hopeless"

Glad I'm no longer hopeless and that every doctor I met as an infant was wrong about me. I want to prove to everyone, those doctors included, my life is more valuable compared to some health delays.

Having a disease can take over you. It can be something people around you don't know how to deal with and rather than try to understand, they distance themselves. I've had this done not only with friends, but even family. My brother doesn't ask. He doesn't go to the doctors with me and when he did the one time, he chose not to come with. People don't know how to react and perhaps distancing is the easiest solution for them. But the ones that really stick with you, the ones that will take the blows and understand that its coming from a different place rather than the person they knew, they're the one's who knew you were worth keeping up the faith in and vice versa. I know it's not right, but that's just how these situations go. The people closest to you get hit with the biggest blows.

You wonder why is this my life. The simplest answer I can give now after months of going through this shit, is it's life. And it sure as hell, is not perfect. Neither are the people. At the end of the day, we're all human and we all make mistakes. We also are given cards that no one wants to be dealt, but somehow, we learn to accept them and grow stronger from them.

This chapter of my health is almost over, and I've only grown to be stronger from it.  

Less than two weeks away. The pain will be unbearable. But, it will have all been worth it.

Here's hoping to a better future, a better/stronger me, and someone whose going to be ready to take on  life with a new outlook.

<3
Jess