Finally have a date. Finally have a count down. Less than two weeks, and I'll be under the knife to hopefully, a better life.
I have four things total that are going to be corrected. The main correction and reason for the surgery, is to get rid of the extra muscle impacting my double chamber (double outlet) and causing a higher pressure from the hypertrophic cardiomyopathy on that area. The other three things that are going to be corrected are from me already being opened up and possibly causing some of my symptoms. They are going to correct my murmur, my vascular ring, and along with that, my right aortic arch. I'm not quite sure about what the last one entails but, I trust they know what they're doing.
I'm meeting for my pre-op at some point next week... I'm not scared of it just.. weary. I wanted this done for months now. Its finally coming and I suppose I'm excited but, also worried about what that month or so in recovery, will entail. I feel like the upcoming months are going to be the hardest I've ever had to deal with and yet.. I'm pretty sure I feel that way about the past year and half. I guess for once, I'm prepped for this rather than just having this sprung up on me. For once, it's not the people in my life that are making decisions, it's me making the decision to get all this done as soon as possible and finally move on.
I walked on the treadmill only a little bit this week. Sadly, last week I kept having palpitations way too much for me work out. This week, I haven't been feeling up to part either. I walked only two miles today because I started getting chest pain. You know when you have that song that just sings out your life or emotions, I had that. Hit replay one too many times. And the song gets me pumped. So much so, I walked my fastest mile.. and then chest pain.
If we can say, this sucks. Repeat at least ten times.
I am, however, thrilled that I will be having the surgery all the more because it will get rid of this chest pain and more. If the surgery does more than it should, it would be a miracle, but I'll settle for just being able to walk and exercise without having issues.
When I'm done with recovery, I'm going to be a fitness queen. I refuse to become unhealthy after all this is done and I finally have a chance to be the closest thing to normal I've ever had. Of course, it's going to be a bitch of pain to get there, but after it's all done, I'll be gladly walking into my future and not looking back.
I was livid last week when I found out the date. I've wanted this done since January and now its going to be in March, with a recovery up to, if not longer, into April. I really just cannot wait for it to be done and I can finally move on! I was so frustrated last week. I still kind of am. I guess everything happens for a reason though.. the family member that's sick is going to meet with a doctor who can hopefully get them onto the heart transplant list. If they qualify, the bigger challenge will be when and if, they finally get a transplant.
I have a friend whose mom has needed a kidney since high school. She's been on the list, since high school. Still no kidney. It's been about eight years and it's really upsetting to hear. People should have a better chance of getting a kidney than a heart. I guess all we can do, is pray.
I've been trying so hard to just to believe, to get ready to move on, to truly know one day, this chapter from hell in my life, will be just that. A chapter.
I'm a fighter, I don't give up easily and I know that one day, I'm gonna look back on this part of my life and think, this was cake compared to the rest of it. It's the journey to that point, that's making me feel tested.
As for that bucket list... I finally finished making it. It's now a matter of doing it. Tomorrow, I'm going to do a few items hopefully. Next week, I think I'm just going to take off one day. Be spontaneous. Something that isn't me at all. But, today I realized something else. I want to make a bucket list for the rest of my life too. I don't want to look back and honestly believe I didn't accomplish anything. I'd like to revisit and backpack through Europe. Maybe even bungee jump. With water below.. in case there's a splat.
Just enjoy life to the fullest. I no longer will have my health holding me back. Doing daily activity is what really has made this so much harder. I'm grateful though, I've done more than my doctors believed I could when I was born. On the way back from the city, my dad told me that when I was a few months old, he and my mom took me to an on call doctor. The doctor told my dad only, "I've seen many cases like this, and it's pretty hopeless"
Glad I'm no longer hopeless and that every doctor I met as an infant was wrong about me. I want to prove to everyone, those doctors included, my life is more valuable compared to some health delays.
Having a disease can take over you. It can be something people around you don't know how to deal with and rather than try to understand, they distance themselves. I've had this done not only with friends, but even family. My brother doesn't ask. He doesn't go to the doctors with me and when he did the one time, he chose not to come with. People don't know how to react and perhaps distancing is the easiest solution for them. But the ones that really stick with you, the ones that will take the blows and understand that its coming from a different place rather than the person they knew, they're the one's who knew you were worth keeping up the faith in and vice versa. I know it's not right, but that's just how these situations go. The people closest to you get hit with the biggest blows.
You wonder why is this my life. The simplest answer I can give now after months of going through this shit, is it's life. And it sure as hell, is not perfect. Neither are the people. At the end of the day, we're all human and we all make mistakes. We also are given cards that no one wants to be dealt, but somehow, we learn to accept them and grow stronger from them.
This chapter of my health is almost over, and I've only grown to be stronger from it.
Less than two weeks away. The pain will be unbearable. But, it will have all been worth it.
Here's hoping to a better future, a better/stronger me, and someone whose going to be ready to take on life with a new outlook.
<3
Jess
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