Monday, February 25, 2013

Teaching Forgiveness


I have finally figured it out! My life legacy! If anything were to go wrong in surgery, tomorrow makes it exactly a week until the date, I now know what I want to be remembered for. There are many things that I thought I would leave behind if it came down to it. I do not mean material items (I have a ton of which my sister would inherit if anything happened) rather, what people thought of me when it came down to it. I think the characteristics that count the most, are my willingness to forgive and my inspiration to others to move forward regardless of any challenges. I've had at least four or five people tell me they're not sure how I'm able to keep my head held high with all that has been going on in my life. I really can't tell you either, other than my ambition to move forward. Nothing can stop me. 

Over the years, forgiveness has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to accomplish. Both giving and feeling. I’ve had times when I’ve held grudges that should not have been kept and it’s only made life harder. The amount of stress and emotion invested in holding a grudge, I’ve learned, is not worth it. Life is too short not to forgive and move on. I’ve wanted to forgive people for many things. Now realizing this before surgery, I feel foolish for not letting go of some of the grudges I’ve held over the years. In the end, it just is not worth it.

The biggest person you have to forgive though, is yourself. It’s like I’ve mentioned before, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person though, to not only realize these mistakes, but to move past them and especially grow from them as well. Accept your flaws. Accept that life isn’t perfect. Accept those who choose to stay in it, see your flaws, and appreciate them. Perhaps, they even help you move past them.

I thought so much about how my life has felt like glass, too fragile to be dropped and at times, had to be held with care. But, when it finally did shatter, I picked up the pieces to make something even more beautiful. Life has its ups and downs and what builds character are those tough moments. The moments that define us as individuals. The moments that we finally realize that change is inevitable and rather than back away and hide from it, we take it head on. 

I have to say, I am really proud of myself. The past year and a half have been hell. Maybe even before that, but not to this extent. When I was in my sophomore year, fall semester, I decided that I didn’t want to become a doctor anymore. That was a dream of mine I’ve had since grade school. I never saw myself as anything else. After switching majors, I have not only picked me up, but kept pushing forward, regardless of not having every aspect of my future planned out. That’s the thing about being in your twenties, nothing is certain. Every dream you have, especially in college, isn’t easily accomplished or you decide that after all this time, it just wasn’t right for you.

By switching majors, I was not just deciding to change subjects but, a completely different career path. It was hard because for a while I could not find myself like I once had before. Everything used to be so sure. Now, it wasn't. You should have seen me in high school. I had my life planned to a T of where I wanted to go to college, medical school, residency, where I wanted to live, and so on. College changed that. It brought me closer to reality, regardless of being in a college bubble.

It took me until this past October finally to realize where my new passion was. For being so undecided all the time, I take that as a major accomplishment for me. Unfortunately, this was just in the midst of me going through all this health crap. I haven’t even had the chance to move on with my life yet, let alone start to build a new one in teaching.

If I had known I wouldn’t have had this surgery until March, I wouldn’t have waited around to make even bigger changes in my life. My health has made me miserable and the start over button that I’ve wanted to press since August still can’t be pressed until after this short journey ahead. 

I want to believe that during my recovery, I am going to walk as much as I can, climb as many stairs as I can, and just be overall proactive about getting better. I am not going to take this sitting down. I have too much ahead of me, for me to wallow in a little pain. Pain that will make me only grow stronger.

I realized why I’ve suddenly found this passion for teaching and haven’t really been able to put into words until now. When I was growing up, school became an outlet for me to succeed when I struggled. It wasn’t necessarily something I wasn’t amazing at, but I did have trouble in grasping certain concepts I guess. What gave me strength to overcome my struggles were the teachers who inspired me to keep pushing for my greatest potential.

That is one of the most admirable qualities I found in teachers when I was a child. Grade school taught me to reach for that potential, regardless of my struggles. Teachers are meant to inspire. They’re meant to spread knowledge. I want that. I want to have that impact on a student’s life. To show them that the knowledge we attain during our early school years, sets us up for life. At least it did for me. I am forever grateful to those who taught me just to keep pushing.

In my teacher's eye, I was never a hopeless case. I hope one day I will be able to show that to my student’s too, that every single one of them has the potential and that dreaming big is the best thing you could do. I want every student to experience life to the fullest. To visit museums, to experiment, to gain something in the classroom that they would not normally at home and take that with them for the rest of their lives. I want to be the teacher that my students remember, not only because I taught them well, but because I taught them to push forward regardless of their struggles or dislike towards a subject.

I am only a few short months away from taking my Praxis exam, which had to be postponed because I will not be recovered in time. I once might have been a dreamer, but now I am fully checked into reality and I refuse to go back. My future is only a little while away and I cannot wait until it’s finally here. 

I have a passion for life that won’t give up. Open heart surgery is only a chapter that is leading to bigger and better things for me. Life changes. So do people. Sometimes it takes the big moments for that to happen, but in the end, those are the moments that define us. We become who we are meant to be from them. And those who get to see and be a part of those great changes are the ones I feel lucky to have in my life.


Keep on smiling because even when life gets you down, you are stronger than you will ever believe.
Got my package from the heart team today. It includes a day to day of what will be happening. Here's a snippet from the first day.



FYI - I cannot believe how skinny I've become. Eating healthy and exercising are totally worth it. Not just for your health, but your overall confidence. It also puts me in a happier mood, knowin I'm lookin fine ;)  <- You've just met Ghetto Jess 
I can't wait to go a lot further with exercising after surgery!

These past months have taught me that though we will always have our friends and family to lean on, at the end of the day, it's going to be me under the knife and me who has to endure the pain. I wouldn't have become this person of independence and believe I can do anything without learning to put myself first. Nothing in this world is going to stop me from pursuing my goals and ambitions. I once might have been afraid to realize I'm on my own, but the world around me doesn't seem nearly as scary as it once was. 

I finally grew up.

<3
Jess 

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