Meeting The Man

I finally got my meeting with the surgeon! This week...Should be fun. I was really hoping this week I'd already be in surgery, not just meeting the surgeon. But in all in due time, I'm sure that the surgery will be happening soon enough. Between work and family, I've spent much of last week and going to be this week, in the hospital. Not exactly ideal timing for continuously seeing family in the hospital, but I suppose that's life. Sometimes, disease just tends to take over and all anyone can do is hope and pray that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It's just so hard to watch loved ones be in the hospital and be helpless to do anything. Out of the majority of my family, I can be in a hospital with ease because it's second nature to me. One day though, I'm probably going to be like everyone else, and hate the hospital. I have a feeling that day will be coming soon when I'm in the hospital for X amount of days in recovery.

While the Pocono's weekend was interesting, I admit it was nice to see some of the beautiful outdoors that I'm not too acquainted with. I hope in the near future, after my surgery, I will be enjoying the outdoors a ton more. I would love to plan a trip to hike around the Appalachian Mountains with some friends. I think it would be wonderful to just intake the world around me and appreciate surviving open heart surgery. Just being abroad in the past, it makes a person open up to seeing new things and experiencing life in a whole new way. You never have the same outlook on life because you're able to see the past in the culture you have visited. Funny enough, I just googled myself the other day and I found a picture from my study abroad program in Italy. Who knew! I'm famous somewhere!

I'd even consider doing a cruise after. I think with all the weight I've been losing between the past few months and when the upcoming months of not being able to taste food, I'm going to be in bikini shape no problem. I'm actually trying to create a bucket list before I have surgery because as much I think I'll trust the doctors (I'll know for sure later this week), I still think I'd rather not chance anything and do as much as possible before my surgery. Making a list is harder than I thought though, because I have been fortunate enough to have already done a lot of traveling already. I suppose one could say, I've experienced more of life then many people do in a lifetime. I'm grateful for that much at least. 

In a few hours, I turn 23. Did I ever think that I would be at this place in my life by this age? No. Not at all. Life doesn't ever seem to work the way we think it will and I've kind given up on making plans and just started going with the flow. The scar I will soon have, will represent a lot more than just surgery. It will most likely represent some of the hardest times in my life. For turning 23.. shortly, I'm pretty sure that if I'm not the strongest person that my family or friends have met, I don't quite know who is. I'm a firm believer in God and I know, he wouldn't give me anything I could not handle, but sometimes I look up and wonder, Really God? Anything else you'd like to challenge me with? If you couldn't tell, I'm currently feeling the strain of life and all that it throws at me. I'm pretty sure that even my friend with Crohn's disease has even said "Well life really sucks, but then I think of Jess, and it doesn't seem that bad."

I learned the other day that even if I could afford life insurance, the minute that my doctors realized I needed heart surgery, I became too much of a liability for many insurance companies to take on. I could still get it but, not as many would be willing to take me. It got me thinking, what is my life really worth? What is the impression I would leave behind? Both to those who knew me well or to those who just met me as an acquaintance? I suppose my research of open heart surgery makes me ponder these questions even more. The fact that they stop my heart.. which as hard as it is to believe, I really didn't think too much about until I read it in print, makes me question my chances. I do believe that it will be okay.. but I still wonder in the upcoming months what will happen. With a family member being sick and me having to worry about getting this surgery done asap, I really just hope nothing more goes wrong in the next few months, for either of us.

It's funny how people after all these years of knowing you, still manage to surprise you. The first cardiac cath I had done, I listened to this song on the way to the hospital and though it's Disney, it hit home of being in between a child and having to act like an adult. I have my moments of lack of maturity, everyone does, but I'm pretty damn well sure that for being 23, I act as though I'm 30 at some points. I actually wish I'd act more like my age because I'd most likely have more fun. Sometimes though, life just gives us a reason to grow up before we're even ready.

I'm gaining more and more questions to ask the surgeon later this week and while it's exciting, I'm nervous because soon the process will really get going and I will soon be under the knife.

I jokingly say to my family, I'll ask the surgeon "What's my life expectancy?"
They always say "After the surgery?"
And I say, "No, during!"

They always give me a shocked look but, in all truthfulness, it is a question I'd like to know. I'm not just having a small thing done, it's multiple things. I really hope everything is standard procedure for these guys.

I'll know more later this week.

Quote for this week and perhaps my birthday.. "There are far better things ahead then any we leave behind" CS Lewis

Hoping 23 is the end to a year and a half of bad things.

<3

Jess