Teaching Forgiveness

I have finally figured it out! My life legacy! If anything were to go wrong in surgery, tomorrow makes it exactly a week until the date, I now know what I want to be remembered for. There are many things that I thought I would leave behind if it came down to it. I do not mean material items (I have a ton of which my sister would inherit if anything happened) rather, what people thought of me when it came down to it. I think the characteristics that count the most, are my willingness to forgive and my inspiration to others to move forward regardless of any challenges. I've had at least four or five people tell me they're not sure how I'm able to keep my head held high with all that has been going on in my life. I really can't tell you either, other than my ambition to move forward. Nothing can stop me. 

Over the years, forgiveness has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to accomplish. Both giving and feeling. I’ve had times when I’ve held grudges that should not have been kept and it’s only made life harder. The amount of stress and emotion invested in holding a grudge, I’ve learned, is not worth it. Life is too short not to forgive and move on. I’ve wanted to forgive people for many things. Now realizing this before surgery, I feel foolish for not letting go of some of the grudges I’ve held over the years. In the end, it just is not worth it.

The biggest person you have to forgive though, is yourself. It’s like I’ve mentioned before, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person though, to not only realize these mistakes, but to move past them and especially grow from them as well. Accept your flaws. Accept that life isn’t perfect. Accept those who choose to stay in it, see your flaws, and appreciate them. Perhaps, they even help you move past them.

I thought so much about how my life has felt like glass, too fragile to be dropped and at times, had to be held with care. But, when it finally did shatter, I picked up the pieces to make something even more beautiful. Life has its ups and downs and what builds character are those tough moments. The moments that define us as individuals. The moments that we finally realize that change is inevitable and rather than back away and hide from it, we take it head on. 

I have to say, I am really proud of myself. The past year and a half have been hell. Maybe even before that, but not to this extent. When I was in my sophomore year, fall semester, I decided that I didn’t want to become a doctor anymore. That was a dream of mine I’ve had since grade school. I never saw myself as anything else. After switching majors, I have not only picked me up, but kept pushing forward, regardless of not having every aspect of my future planned out. That’s the thing about being in your twenties, nothing is certain. Every dream you have, especially in college, isn’t easily accomplished or you decide that after all this time, it just wasn’t right for you.

By switching majors, I was not just deciding to change subjects but, a completely different career path. It was hard because for a while I could not find myself like I once had before. Everything used to be so sure. Now, it wasn't. You should have seen me in high school. I had my life planned to a T of where I wanted to go to college, medical school, residency, where I wanted to live, and so on. College changed that. It brought me closer to reality, regardless of being in a college bubble.

It took me until this past October finally to realize where my new passion was. For being so undecided all the time, I take that as a major accomplishment for me. Unfortunately, this was just in the midst of me going through all this health crap. I haven’t even had the chance to move on with my life yet, let alone start to build a new one in teaching.

If I had known I wouldn’t have had this surgery until March, I wouldn’t have waited around to make even bigger changes in my life. My health has made me miserable and the start over button that I’ve wanted to press since August still can’t be pressed until after this short journey ahead. 

I want to believe that during my recovery, I am going to walk as much as I can, climb as many stairs as I can, and just be overall proactive about getting better. I am not going to take this sitting down. I have too much ahead of me, for me to wallow in a little pain. Pain that will make me only grow stronger.

I realized why I’ve suddenly found this passion for teaching and haven’t really been able to put into words until now. When I was growing up, school became an outlet for me to succeed when I struggled. It wasn’t necessarily something I wasn’t amazing at, but I did have trouble in grasping certain concepts I guess. What gave me strength to overcome my struggles were the teachers who inspired me to keep pushing for my greatest potential.

That is one of the most admirable qualities I found in teachers when I was a child. Grade school taught me to reach for that potential, regardless of my struggles. Teachers are meant to inspire. They’re meant to spread knowledge. I want that. I want to have that impact on a student’s life. To show them that the knowledge we attain during our early school years, sets us up for life. At least it did for me. I am forever grateful to those who taught me just to keep pushing.

In my teacher's eye, I was never a hopeless case. I hope one day I will be able to show that to my student’s too, that every single one of them has the potential and that dreaming big is the best thing you could do. I want every student to experience life to the fullest. To visit museums, to experiment, to gain something in the classroom that they would not normally at home and take that with them for the rest of their lives. I want to be the teacher that my students remember, not only because I taught them well, but because I taught them to push forward regardless of their struggles or dislike towards a subject.

I am only a few short months away from taking my Praxis exam, which had to be postponed because I will not be recovered in time. I once might have been a dreamer, but now I am fully checked into reality and I refuse to go back. My future is only a little while away and I cannot wait until it’s finally here. 

I have a passion for life that won’t give up. Open heart surgery is only a chapter that is leading to bigger and better things for me. Life changes. So do people. Sometimes it takes the big moments for that to happen, but in the end, those are the moments that define us. We become who we are meant to be from them. And those who get to see and be a part of those great changes are the ones I feel lucky to have in my life.

Keep on smiling because even when life gets you down, you are stronger than you will ever believe.

Got my package from the heart team today. It includes a day to day of what will be happening. Here's a snippet from the first day.

FYI - I cannot believe how skinny I've become. Eating healthy and exercising are totally worth it. Not just for your health, but your overall confidence. It also puts me in a happier mood, knowin I'm lookin fine ;)  <- You've just met Ghetto Jess 
I can't wait to go a lot further with exercising after surgery!

These past months have taught me that though we will always have our friends and family to lean on, at the end of the day, it's going to be me under the knife and me who has to endure the pain. I wouldn't have become this person of independence and believe I can do anything without learning to put myself first. Nothing in this world is going to stop me from pursuing my goals and ambitions. I once might have been afraid to realize I'm on my own, but the world around me doesn't seem nearly as scary as it once was. 

I finally grew up.

<3
Jess 

Gravity is Always Bringing Me Back to Reality

Finally have a date. Finally have a count down. Less than two weeks, and I'll be under the knife to hopefully, a better life.

I have four things total that are going to be corrected. The main correction and reason for the surgery, is to get rid of the extra muscle impacting my double chamber (double outlet) and causing a higher pressure from the hypertrophic cardiomyopathy on that area. The other three things that are going to be corrected are from me already being opened up and possibly causing some of my symptoms. They are going to correct my murmur, my vascular ring, and along with that, my right aortic arch. I'm not quite sure about what the last one entails but, I trust they know what they're doing.

I'm meeting for my pre-op at some point next week... I'm not scared of it just.. weary. I wanted this done for months now. Its finally coming and I suppose I'm excited but, also worried about what that month or so in recovery, will entail. I feel like the upcoming months are going to be the hardest I've ever had to deal with and yet.. I'm pretty sure I feel that way about the past year and half. I guess for once, I'm prepped for this rather than just having this sprung up on me. For once, it's not the people in my life that are making decisions, it's me making the decision to get all this done as soon as possible and finally move on.

I walked on the treadmill only a little bit this week. Sadly, last week I kept having palpitations way too much for me work out. This week, I haven't been feeling up to part either. I walked only two miles today because I started getting chest pain. You know when you have that song that just sings out your life or emotions, I had that. Hit replay one too many times. And the song gets me pumped. So much so, I walked my fastest mile.. and then chest pain.

If we can say, this sucks. Repeat at least ten times.

I am, however, thrilled that I will be having the surgery all the more because it will get rid of this chest pain and more. If the surgery does more than it should, it would be a miracle, but I'll settle for just being able to walk and exercise without having issues.

When I'm done with recovery, I'm going to be a fitness queen. I refuse to become unhealthy after all this is done and I finally have a chance to be the closest thing to normal I've ever had. Of course, it's going to be a bitch of pain to get there, but after it's all done, I'll be gladly walking into my future and not looking back.

I was livid last week when I found out the date. I've wanted this done since January and now its going to be in March, with a recovery up to, if not longer, into April. I really just cannot wait for it to be done and I can finally move on! I was so frustrated last week. I still kind of am. I guess everything happens for a reason though.. the family member that's sick is going to meet with a doctor who can hopefully get them onto the heart transplant list. If they qualify, the bigger challenge will be when and if, they finally get a transplant.

I have a friend whose mom has needed a kidney since high school. She's been on the list, since high school. Still no kidney. It's been about eight years and it's really upsetting to hear. People should have a better chance of getting a kidney than a heart. I guess all we can do, is pray.

I've been trying so hard to just to believe, to get ready to move on, to truly know one day, this chapter from hell in my life, will be just that. A chapter.

I'm a fighter, I don't give up easily and I know that one day, I'm gonna look back on this part of my life and think, this was cake compared to the rest of it. It's the journey to that point, that's making me feel tested.

As for that bucket list... I finally finished making it. It's now a matter of doing it. Tomorrow, I'm going to do a few items hopefully. Next week, I think I'm just going to take off one day. Be spontaneous. Something that isn't me at all. But, today I realized something else. I want to make a bucket list for the rest of my life too. I don't want to look back and honestly believe I didn't accomplish anything. I'd like to revisit and backpack through Europe. Maybe even bungee jump. With water below.. in case there's a splat.

Just enjoy life to the fullest. I no longer will have my health holding me back. Doing daily activity is what really has made this so much harder. I'm grateful though, I've done more than my doctors believed I could when I was born. On the way back from the city, my dad told me that when I was a few months old, he and my mom took me to an on call doctor. The doctor told my dad only, "I've seen many cases like this, and it's pretty hopeless"

Glad I'm no longer hopeless and that every doctor I met as an infant was wrong about me. I want to prove to everyone, those doctors included, my life is more valuable compared to some health delays.

Having a disease can take over you. It can be something people around you don't know how to deal with and rather than try to understand, they distance themselves. I've had this done not only with friends, but even family. My brother doesn't ask. He doesn't go to the doctors with me and when he did the one time, he chose not to come with. People don't know how to react and perhaps distancing is the easiest solution for them. But the ones that really stick with you, the ones that will take the blows and understand that its coming from a different place rather than the person they knew, they're the one's who knew you were worth keeping up the faith in and vice versa. I know it's not right, but that's just how these situations go. The people closest to you get hit with the biggest blows.

You wonder why is this my life. The simplest answer I can give now after months of going through this shit, is it's life. And it sure as hell, is not perfect. Neither are the people. At the end of the day, we're all human and we all make mistakes. We also are given cards that no one wants to be dealt, but somehow, we learn to accept them and grow stronger from them.

This chapter of my health is almost over, and I've only grown to be stronger from it.  

Less than two weeks away. The pain will be unbearable. But, it will have all been worth it.

Here's hoping to a better future, a better/stronger me, and someone whose going to be ready to take on  life with a new outlook.

<3
Jess

Meeting The Man

I finally got my meeting with the surgeon! This week...Should be fun. I was really hoping this week I'd already be in surgery, not just meeting the surgeon. But in all in due time, I'm sure that the surgery will be happening soon enough. Between work and family, I've spent much of last week and going to be this week, in the hospital. Not exactly ideal timing for continuously seeing family in the hospital, but I suppose that's life. Sometimes, disease just tends to take over and all anyone can do is hope and pray that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It's just so hard to watch loved ones be in the hospital and be helpless to do anything. Out of the majority of my family, I can be in a hospital with ease because it's second nature to me. One day though, I'm probably going to be like everyone else, and hate the hospital. I have a feeling that day will be coming soon when I'm in the hospital for X amount of days in recovery.

While the Pocono's weekend was interesting, I admit it was nice to see some of the beautiful outdoors that I'm not too acquainted with. I hope in the near future, after my surgery, I will be enjoying the outdoors a ton more. I would love to plan a trip to hike around the Appalachian Mountains with some friends. I think it would be wonderful to just intake the world around me and appreciate surviving open heart surgery. Just being abroad in the past, it makes a person open up to seeing new things and experiencing life in a whole new way. You never have the same outlook on life because you're able to see the past in the culture you have visited. Funny enough, I just googled myself the other day and I found a picture from my study abroad program in Italy. Who knew! I'm famous somewhere!

I'd even consider doing a cruise after. I think with all the weight I've been losing between the past few months and when the upcoming months of not being able to taste food, I'm going to be in bikini shape no problem. I'm actually trying to create a bucket list before I have surgery because as much I think I'll trust the doctors (I'll know for sure later this week), I still think I'd rather not chance anything and do as much as possible before my surgery. Making a list is harder than I thought though, because I have been fortunate enough to have already done a lot of traveling already. I suppose one could say, I've experienced more of life then many people do in a lifetime. I'm grateful for that much at least. 

In a few hours, I turn 23. Did I ever think that I would be at this place in my life by this age? No. Not at all. Life doesn't ever seem to work the way we think it will and I've kind given up on making plans and just started going with the flow. The scar I will soon have, will represent a lot more than just surgery. It will most likely represent some of the hardest times in my life. For turning 23.. shortly, I'm pretty sure that if I'm not the strongest person that my family or friends have met, I don't quite know who is. I'm a firm believer in God and I know, he wouldn't give me anything I could not handle, but sometimes I look up and wonder, Really God? Anything else you'd like to challenge me with? If you couldn't tell, I'm currently feeling the strain of life and all that it throws at me. I'm pretty sure that even my friend with Crohn's disease has even said "Well life really sucks, but then I think of Jess, and it doesn't seem that bad."

I learned the other day that even if I could afford life insurance, the minute that my doctors realized I needed heart surgery, I became too much of a liability for many insurance companies to take on. I could still get it but, not as many would be willing to take me. It got me thinking, what is my life really worth? What is the impression I would leave behind? Both to those who knew me well or to those who just met me as an acquaintance? I suppose my research of open heart surgery makes me ponder these questions even more. The fact that they stop my heart.. which as hard as it is to believe, I really didn't think too much about until I read it in print, makes me question my chances. I do believe that it will be okay.. but I still wonder in the upcoming months what will happen. With a family member being sick and me having to worry about getting this surgery done asap, I really just hope nothing more goes wrong in the next few months, for either of us.

It's funny how people after all these years of knowing you, still manage to surprise you. The first cardiac cath I had done, I listened to this song on the way to the hospital and though it's Disney, it hit home of being in between a child and having to act like an adult. I have my moments of lack of maturity, everyone does, but I'm pretty damn well sure that for being 23, I act as though I'm 30 at some points. I actually wish I'd act more like my age because I'd most likely have more fun. Sometimes though, life just gives us a reason to grow up before we're even ready.

I'm gaining more and more questions to ask the surgeon later this week and while it's exciting, I'm nervous because soon the process will really get going and I will soon be under the knife.

I jokingly say to my family, I'll ask the surgeon "What's my life expectancy?"
They always say "After the surgery?"
And I say, "No, during!"

They always give me a shocked look but, in all truthfulness, it is a question I'd like to know. I'm not just having a small thing done, it's multiple things. I really hope everything is standard procedure for these guys.

I'll know more later this week.

Quote for this week and perhaps my birthday.. "There are far better things ahead then any we leave behind" CS Lewis

Hoping 23 is the end to a year and a half of bad things.

<3

Jess