Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Well. That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be! The cardiac cath happened on Tuesday and while I was freaking out pretty much the entire morning of, the worst part of it was actually having the IV put in. The doctor who performed the cath was extremely nice and I hope I actually have him as a doctor again soon. The overall procedure was pretty quick and to an extent, painless. I was awake during the whole procedure and though I couldn't understand all the medical jargon, I still was very comfortable with what was going on. Surprisingly.

I saw no blood aside from when the IV was being put in and that was perhaps the best part of this entire experience. I did find out some news though.. and while it can be taken in a bad way, currently I'm very optimistic about it.

Basically, the results of this diagnostic test were that I have a significant blockage in my right chamber from a muscle bundle/fiber, the obstruction, that is causing that part of my heart to have a higher pressure then it should. From what I understand, it causes the shortness of breath but over time, it could become worse. I'm pretty sure the stress test won't happen for this reason.

So the solution? Well, the good news is, it can be fixed! However, bad news, it will have to happen through open heart surgery. Even before I went into the procedure, call it intuition, or just that good old feeling, I knew I was going to need surgery. I think I've been mentally preparing myself slowly for that outcome since I went to meet with this doctor in the city. 

While I could be scared shitless, or I could just be plain upset and dreading the day it will happen, I'm surprisingly optimistic. I finally have answers and I can finally say, this wasn't all in my head! Take that you butt munch of a doctor! (referring to ->JERK CARDIOLOGIST) My family on the other hand could be handling a little bit better.. those whole five stages that people are supposed to go through prior to surgery.. yeah I think individually, my family will cover them all and I won't have to deal with any of those feelings. At least I'm keeping my fingers crossed that is.

In case anyone doesn't know them, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I actually think I've already dealt with all of these feelings and finally the acceptance part is where I am at because surgery is a solution!

Everyone else around me... not so much. I think the person taking all of this the hardest right now, without a doubt, is my mom. She's been in denial since I've said that I've had the HCM. Now she's more just an overall sadness and anger that they didn't find this in the last cath I had done in 2004. I keep trying to explain to her that this new disease is really what has caused more of these problems.

I had the obstruction my entire life, it wasn't until I had developed the HCM, I believe, that all of this really came together as being a bigger problem then anyone could have predicted. It's no ones fault, despite what my mom may think, and you know sometimes you're just given the unlucky cards in life. I don't think I can sit around waiting to live and to keep asking why. I think I've already done that long enough.

I've been lucky enough to have traveled, near and far and live a pretty good life for only being 22. I've also been lucky enough to keep the most important people in my life, close to me. Through it all, people could come and go, say they've had enough, but the people in my life have chosen to stick by my side despite everything going on. If anything, they are closer to me than I deserve. To each and every one of them, I want to thank them for being my backbone when I lost mine. To me, you are my hero's and I'm glad to call each and every one of them my friends. 

Of course, I will never be happy that I have to go through something like this in my life. But I also think, in some odd way, its a blessing in disguise. Life wouldn't be worth living if it was perfect.

We all deal with hardships, some more then others, and we can either grow as a person, or we can take it, run away from it, and stop living.

I choose to live. I choose Life.

It might a bitch of a surgery, so said the cardiologist, but I'll be willing to do it, if it means living a better functioning life then I am now.

My quote today, and perhaps everyday of this past year and in the future: "Nothing worth having in this world comes easy" Scrubs (love this show, always can give you a good laugh)

So keep living. Sometimes you can't appreciate the good times until you've been through the hard times.

Don't forget to try out something new! This is the southwestern ratatouille I mentioned in my last blog.

Until next time

<3
Jess