Its all in due time though. I think the biggest thing is, I've literally let my health control me for the past few months. Now, I know for anyone whose had health problems, it takes time to deal with... but I don't think I've ever let myself stop ..living. I feel as though a depression of not being able to cope with my life has stopped me from being the ambitious, goal driven woman I once was. I also realize that while I will always have the support of those who love me, its taken a toll on them too and in that sense, that really makes me sad. When my health didn't bother me, it didn't bother anyone else either. But living normally hasn't quite been a possibility within the last few months.
I never used to be so dependent on those around me and while it's okay for me to lean on people, I used to have this inner strength that anyone who knew me, knew that regardless of the circumstances I faced, I somehow always seemed to overcome it. The last few months, that really hasn't been true. I let my life spiral out of control and lost the ambition to begin again.
Disease won. I gave up.
It was never my intention to let it get as bad as it did, but it certainly has made my life a living hell. I'm no longer as confident in myself as I once was and it took through college to gain at its highest point. It's been a rough year full of deaths, sorrows, disease, and almost losing the person I hold closest to me to make me realize that I can no longer put up with this lifestyle of surrendering to disease.
I want to fight. Fight for the life that I deserve and fight for those around me who have given me support all these past months. I have the inner-strength and will to do whatever I can to become healthy, mentally and physically stronger, as well be the independent person I strived to, once upon, be. I have goals in my life that will be accomplished and I'll be damned if I let my health or anyone else for that matter, stop me. I've never let it stop me before and after a week of watching someone close to me be, be hospitalized for CHF, I realized sitting on a couch and moping about my life isn't going get me anywhere. In fact, that's part of how that person got into the hospital. He threw in the white flag when he should have kept fighting. Life is precious and every person who is in it, makes me want to say, they're my reason for getting up and living. My once lost ambitions have regained priority in my life and I don't think it will ever leave again.
I'll end with this, as cheesy as it is, (because after all, I am cheesy) from the movie New Years Eve - "Sometimes it feels like there are so many things we can't control, earthquakes, floods, reality shows. But it's important to remember the things we can, like forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts. Because the one thing that turns the world from a lonely place to a beautiful place, is love."
Whether you love yourself, your family, your friends, your significant other, the air you breathe, or just plain love living life, keep doing it. Find your reason to live. Regardless of your circumstances, believe one day it will get better.
I may have been lost for the last six months, but I can honestly say, the spark of wanting to live, has never felt stronger and my ambition to make something out of my life, has never been greater.
Don't forget, to just take time to appreciate what's in front of you. It may be the season to give but it's also the season to be thankful for all that life has given you.
<3
Jess
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